21 days and counting...

Time do fly... counting down 21 days till I'm back to Uni... Mixed feelings...

A Girl Like Me

Who would understand a girl like me?
Life full of complexity and mysteries...
There's a lot going on in my mind,
I felt the bulks getting bigger each day...
Now,
Hanging there in the clouds,
I can feel myself losing contact with reality,
Slowly sinking back into a world of my own...
Maybe it's meant to be,
For me to be ME...

Now that I have learnt so much,
Over the months away from home,
Thrown into a world,
Where everything were to be norm...
I grew up, not a year,
but ten...
I learnt lessons that are not taught in classes,
Theories of life that are not stated in books...

I learnt life is a journey,
With its constant ups and downs,
bearable and unbearable..
I learnt what I need was God,
and a lot of supportive, loving and the right people around me...
Sometimes, we need people who are different,
To rub off our edges, to shape us into a better us,
But I truly believe,
Behind every incident is a miracle to be unveil...
Time will tell...

But now,
I am taking a brave step out of this socially isolating world of mine,
Threathening to destroy my life forever,
Trying to leave the past behind,
And let nature takes it course,
Letting memories stay what they are, memories...
So, please do not make things any tougher,
By reminiscing things that I rahter not remember...
For I'm a girl,
Who knows well what shame means,
Who have low self-esteem...

This is a difficult walk down the right path,
So, please take my hand, walk with me...
Don't be a fair weather friend,
Being there only when the sun is shining,
When the rain clouds roll in,
Please don't run...
Stay with me,
Keep me warm and dry in your embrace,
Because that is when I need you most...

Don't judge me, don't criticise me...
I know my mistakes and my apologies seems to be in vain,
But i'm trying my best,
So do try to understand...
I'm trying to build my self-esteem,
Trying to trust that I am worthy...

Behind these curtains,
You can't see the pretence, the hurts, the miseries,
The regrets and the agony...
So, lend your shoulder not your bashing,
Your love not your anxiety...
Your advice, not your smirking...
For I do wish for a day,
Where I would lift up my head again,
And look the world in the eyes and said,
"World, I'm ready for you.."
I'm a worthy person...

I want to be able to walk confidently,
To talk and look into people's eyes,
Not their feet and shoes,
To feel less self-conscious,
To let myself relax around people...
Instead of a couch potato,
I would finally dare to accept that offer for a get together,
In that quaint little parlour,
On a Sunday afternoon...
And movie with my peeps on Saturday night,
Not just sitting at home doing nothing..

I do feel trap and alone,
Like a little bird who couldn't find its way home...
I want to be free,
Binded by no other but the will of God...
I want to submit fully to Him,
And truly Trust in Him...
I believe I can, I really do...

Crush my dreams not,
Break my heart not,
Taunt my wounds no more,
For I am a new person,
Truly a better person,
For I had been born again,
In the name of Christ...

I believe I would someday read this again,
And I hope to laugh at this funny thoughts of mine,
And reminisce how my life had changed...
I do believe, I do hope...
For no human know better,
A girl like me...

A grateful heart, a beautiful blessing…

Year 2008 was a whole new beginning for me, a new chapter of my life, a year full of joys and sorrows. A year where I fall and pick myself up, learning more about this so call life and things that comes along with it. It was difficult and daunting task to live away from family and having almost zero social skills I was worried, life was going to be daunting as it was years ago. I was afraid to be myself, coop inside an empty shell filled with fake happiness, pretend joy and masked personality. I did not know who I was, neither do I know who I am nor who I will become. On this difficult journey, I found someone, a group of someones to be exact, to guide me through this journey…

Who would guess two people so different can develop such a close relationship. It was not easy, full of challenge, required patience and there were a lot of bickerings and disagreements along the way. It is a wonder how years ago, the saying “I’m sorry, we are so different it seems we are from two different words” was the last say in a long and difficult relationship. But, last year, these two words brought such different emotion when said. Rather than sadness as felt when heard for the first time, the second time someone spoke these words to me, I was touched and awed by the truth in them. I remembered that night vividly, the both of us, sitting in the living room, having a heart to heart talk, after you came back from a trip to Penang you said, “I am amazed by how different we are, yet we are still able to be so close.”

I had never met a friend that cared so much for me in the past and I guess I was tired of always giving and giving until I was exhausted and never got anything in return where all I want is the assurance of a friendship and a gesture of appreciation, a simple thank you and when I say you’re my best friend, you’ll say you are mine too. But years after years, I was dissapointed because none of them ever said that to me, they would just say, I have no best friend, which broke my heart. But then I met you, you are different..

You were there, ready to hear me pour out my heart, offer a crying shoulder and generous with your hugs and kisses. When I was sick, you came and visit me, which will always be remembered. We have our share of fights and quarrels just as real friends are bound to face, because that is what true friends are like, knocking each others’ corners off, to help shape us into a better person. When a friend is honest with you, that is a true friend. Even though the truth may hurt in the beginning, a true friend will walk with you on the journey of healing and in the end you found out that something good had come out of the initial hurt you feel.

I had a very complex and complicated thinking and presumption of how a friendship should be like-how every friendship should be like.Being so inexperience, all the presumption and smooth flowing were just mere imagination. But you teach me the right from the wrong, you taught me about patience, about how friends do not need to cling to each other 24/7, that friends still need boundaries, that friends do care even though they do not show it, that friends are always there for you. Now I know that friendship is a simple thing, a beautiful, simple matter that brought joys beyond measure and make you feel all safe and fuzzy inside. I just felt like an idiot for it had taken me so long, a year to realise that, and in the process brought grief to both of us.

Then there are the typical girly girl things we would do together, went out shopping, cook, talk about clothes and movies and laugh around at silly things which does not even make sense to me now. I really felt love and I felt the urge to protect you always, so no harm shall come to you in anyway. I learn to care about others, how not to be selfish but give unconditionally because I love you. I learn to love as the bible says. I learn to be patient, I learn to be kind, I learn to not be jealous, I learn not to boast, I learn to be humble, I learn about self-esteem, I learn not to be self-centred, I learn to be a better person and I learn to learn the truth. All these just from learning to love you and others.

There is still a litany of things that had yet to be said, I am endlessly reminiscing the sweet memories that we had created in the time we spent together. And It is difficult to pen these feelings and emotions into words, but I just want to say that I am grateful for you dear and for all my friends that I had come to know, for making me realise I can start anew and everyone deserve a second chance. Thank you for your love, your care and your friendship. It meant the world to me just as you meant to me…

I thank God for this dear friend that He had given to me. Thank you for bringing Sha into the world today exactly 19 years ago. Thanks you for letting us cross each other’s path that we had come to know each other and to love each other.May God cast His abundant blessing and care upon her and her family.


A small tribute to a very special girl in my life,






















The lady looking gorgeous in purple..=D























A full length photo to show how lanky she is..=)


















Among our earliest photo took together..=) There is Lemon at the top, second row from left to right is me, Ruqi and SHA! At the front row is Drey!!! We miss you!






















Our first time out together where Drey make a crazy decision and follow our heed to cut her hair and dyed it purple! Superb result..Awww, I miss the days we went out together..=D























My first alone pic with Sha on our first outing together..=D in CS outside that barder shop..remember dear?






















An old piccy I found from my folder of older photos...Awwww..Loves..<3>













Baby girl enjoying her McD dessert...She got me addicted to Mc Flurry after that!






















A special girl who 'pei' me do silly things even thought I'm so childish, she put up with me...























Sha dear looking fab as usual..=D Dear I'm still in love with this pic of yours!























Another fav photo of her!^^ My mama says you look pretty darling..=D This is among the first picture I show to her...=D

To Sha dear, I want to wish you a Happy 19th Birthday and I miss celebrating our birthday together. Thank you for everything and dear, I appreciate everything that you have done for me. I am sorry for all the wrongs that I may have done and making you unhappy along the way. I am just starting to learn more about life and explore the meaning of friendship. Thanks for accepting me as I am and thank you for being so patient with me. You know how much I love and care for you. I will see you soon and wish you have an awesome day darling! I miss you lots… Mwah~

-Love- from Lily~

*sorry for late post dear..I typed this out the night before your birthday and went off to Sibu early in the morning… Just came back..=D Hope you had a great day today!!

What I did on the 1st of June...

I'm sure all those who hails from Sarawak know that 1st of June is the Gawai Festival for the Ibans..=) It is also the mid term school holiday! So, I did not have to go to work and my cuzzies came over during the holiday. Cyndi went back earlier, on the 31st of May and Crystal came from Miri on the 30th!^^ So, having nothing to do, I pestered my dad to bring us somewhere. Guess where?

















Me and my babe in the car!^^




















Double camwhores!















We reached our destinations..So, Crys was somewhat fascinated by this big oddly shaped can of beer branded trieneikens...Must be the far far cousin of Heneiken.. Hmmm.. It's the same colour!=D Anyways.... we went to the

























BEACH!!!!!!!!!















Crys dear was trying to take some artistic shot like those you can find in photobucket I think..=D With her new baby! LG phone..Its red, its hot and come with full slide qwerty keys and touch screen! I'm so jealousss.... Ahaz!
















Anyways, my my sis, me and Crys wasted no time to take off our slippers and get wild I mean have fun on the sandy shore! Guess which one is my feet? I'll give you a hint.. Mine is the biggest, fattest and dirtiest!Hehehehehe!

And so, we started camwhoring again cos the sun and lighting was awesome! But it was hot!If only the sun can be that bright and lovely but not hot! You know what I mean! I always imagine myself lying on the beach in a nice sundress under a tree with my favourite novel prop on my belly and in my imagination, the sun is always lovely, the sky blue and the sunshine bright but never hot! And at the end of the day I am still fair, not tanned! Hahahaha














Anyways, a stingray tried to attacked my sister's brain..Can you see the long tail there? *control laughter*















And this is my half-headed slim cousin....Awwwww


















We also find eight-legged spider star at the beach!^^ They're humoungous!



















The lovesssssssss...I misss you Crys!!















This is my first "jump-in-the-air" photo! Captured by Crys!^^ Me like....


















Another hot shot of my dearie!^^ And no, she did not dyed her hair!=D Nice colour ey? And at the back will be my stingray headed sister..=D














Then we wanted to take some sort of shot. Ya know, with our legs and arms suspended in the mid-air. I did not realised we had to suspend the leg so shot 1, failed...Aiks! It was difficult to put our arm on each other shoulders and put up the other arm in mid air while balancing on one leg on an uneven and narrow piece of tree branch.
Hehe..sound more complicated when i write it out in words...=D














Shot 2, total failure...no legs, no arms...Not ready!














Success!! Darn, I envied her slim legs!












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I found a weird unknown-coconut-lookalike thingy by the shore and decided to make it into a camwhore accessory..=) Anyone know what is that?

















No wonder people say I don't look chinese..I really don't..Hmm..Its time to accept the fact..Haiz.. I look like cryssy's Indonesian maid in the picture...But namind.. I can imitate one perfectly, talking wise..=) I think I am getting attached to this identity..=)













Me and my sis redoing our dance move..Lol...I can go lower..Blearkkk..But she claimed that she looked better.Yaya...always had been, Viv...














Anyways, that's all folks!^^ Hee~ Time to go. Our feet can wave yo, darn..my toes looks as if they are cramped! So unglam... *pukes*

Anyways, really happy bout the holiday!^^ I submitted my uni application and booking the air tickets soon! Gonna visit Crys dear in Miri for 2-3 days in July..=D I had given in my notice that I will be working until the end of this month! Gonna take proper pictured with my cutsie students and post them up I reckon..=D I'm gonna miss them cos they're owh-so-cute! Darlings, I'm gonna miss you all! Study hard k!^^

Loves,

-Just myself-^^

PS : Apart from being mistaken as a Malay, Indonesian, Indian, Iban, Melanau, Filipino, and a lot of other races, the latest amusement come from my 17-year-old male student who is really a very good student and very attentive in class. We were talking about something in class yesterday afternoon when we came ocross my age. He was shocked that I am only 19 years old. He thought I am a married woman with kids. He said cos I looked mature and spoke good English and I guess he had the mindset that teachers have to be older? Anyways, I have no idea to be flattered or depressed... Darn... Apparently I have got the face, skin and body of a married-with-kidS-woman.... This time die lorrrrrrrrr.....

I Miss My Friends!!!

Gosh! It had been months(seems like an eternity) since I last seen Audrey, Sha, Ruqi, Shila and pretty much everyone else. Going half mad from missing friends at uni. Just read Sha's and Audrey's blog and I realised how I wish we could turn back time, just one more day in class, the good old times. Sha dear just returned from Taiwan and messaged me when she touchdown in KL, I messaged Drey the other day after driving class cos I was upset bout my dream, I was afraid to go back and start over, fear of changes.I always talked to her when I have some sort of fears or feelings that were bottle up, ones that I can't tell anyone else, cos she is a great listener and trustworthy.

At times, I looked back at how we used to have disagreements and little bickerings now and then. Sometimes over the littlest things, but I am glad to have found such wonderful friends in my life, I would not have change anything even if I was given the chance to, because they change my life, their name were written abundantly in every pages of the new chapter of my life, because of them, I know how much can friends love and care for each other. I learn to accept them as they are as I want to be accpeted as I am. That's what friendship is all about no? Tolerating and putting up with each others weaknesses. I learn so much in that one year spend with them. I learn to socialise, I learn about friendship, trust, love and tolerance.

Looking bad, the days we had meals together, the days we studied together and when Sha would physched me into studying just before exam, the celebrations we had, the things we participated in, the talks we had and the sleepover..=) I realised, slowly, I had lost the shield around me, the protective shield I had built so strongly pver the years when friendship meant betrayal and hurts to me. They, without me realising, had melted the shield away, strip away my fear and turn my heart soft, just because of their actions, their words, their hugs and kisses and the fact that they let me know that they will be here for me anytime, everytime... I'm really thankful for that. I am thankful to have the chance to care for you, to love you and to know you.=)

I had met great people who became my best of friends in that one year in uni. Drey, Sha, Ruqi, Shila, Xiu Wen, Sing Yi, Jo, Evelyn, Eric, Fai Fai, Pala and so much more, more than I ever hope for or dare dream of... Thanks for making the year so meaningful and warm. When a lost Sarawak girl venture into the world for the first time, leaving the comfort nest behind, you were all there to make things more bearable, warm and welcoming.=D Thank you dear friends...

Now, as the day to be back in AIMST draws near, i'm sad for having to leave my family yet again,but at the same time happy because I will be seeing all of you again, the people whom i had learn to love and care for over the year. I'm ready for another year there and hopefully the next 6 years there until I complete my degree.=) I'm no longer afraid of changes because I know you will all still be there to comfort me, to accompany me and things will be alright. Because, you always always put things right..=) I miss you, all of you!

Love,
Lily...

PS : Driving lesson finally! Later at 10am! Hope for the best!^^ So I will get my license before July!^^ Mom bought me a diamond necklace! I'm happy not because of the necklace but for that for the first time in my life, she accompany me to see jewelleries that she don't even have any interest in, after a whole day at work. She refuse to let me pay for it. It's not about the diamonds Ma, its about your presence and the fact that you accompany me there. It just make the necklace a whole lot more meaningful... I'm thankful for you and all that you had done for me.

*Mother's Day post coming up , hopefully with pictures... me and sis did mad things and things were a bit funny that morning and we'll see in the next post. Now I just need to get a shuteye..=) Much Lovess