2009 marks the end of teenagehood for me as I would be turning 20 in 2010. This year had flown by in comparison to th year 2008, probably having something to do with the 7 months of holiday since the beginning of the year. It marks a year of failure and success, falling and rising as well as an emotional roller-coaster ride.
As every year when I glanced back, I realised the overwhelming changes I went through, not much physically (except maybe growing fatter and shorter) but mentally and spiritually. I had learnt to accept failures as part of life as I received my result slip on Valentine’s Day, a Saturday I remembered. I expected it but to see the reality printed on the piece of paper was a blow in the face. I went on with the plan I had earlier to go on pursuing my dream. God’s providence is indeed sufficient now as I looked back, for I could not believe I even have the courage or the strength to do what I had done, brave the odds and spent another year repeating the course while others, move on to other courses and universities.
I had not always been fond of little children. To me, they are rowdy and a nuisance. I couldn’t bear to be around them or I would risk losing my head and ended up screaming at the kids. I pray that I would someday have a soft spot for those cute little running monsters and this year I had had the opportunity to really mingle with them. I realised all these while I just have no idea how to mix with them, communicate with them since I am too serious most of the time and it just feel really akward to be around them. I yearn to frolick around with them most of the time but I just do not know how to break that barrier between me and the kids! God arranged that over the long holiday I would obtain a job as a teacher. Initially I applied for a job at my secondary school and then widen my options to primary school. I did not get any call until when it was almost time for me to leave for university again in July. But, I did manage to secure a job at two local tuition centres as a part time teacher and had the opportunity to teach classes with students ranging from 5-year-olds to middle age uncles and aunties! It was indeed a great experience. At first, it was very akward but over the time I was surprise at how easy it had become to be just like them, to communicate with them. It became a joy and something to anticipate as I teach 7 days a week. If anything, I felt that they had taught me more than I had taught them. They helped me searched for that part of me that I thought was lost during all those years of surviving primary and secondary school. They helped me find that child in me and taught me to be carefree and innocent. When they come up to you and tell you that you are the best teacher they had, you just feel all warm and fuzzy inside. When they walked out of the class being more knowledgeable and in some case a happier person, you feel the joy and satisfaction that you were able to touch their life. I manage to talk to an 8-year-old little boy who always wear a frown and always sitting quietly to himself. Although he never really respond to me, imagine the happiness I felt when he started to laugh and smile and play with his friends after a few months, not to mention becoming more cheeky after that. Then there was that little boy of ten. He would never do his work and had a thousand and one things to say. He is very michievous and the nightmare of all the teachers that had ever taught him. They gave up on him and they warned me about him, telling me to bring a cane into the class. I thank God for His guidance for I had never had to bring a cane into the class while I teach. Everytime I worry about something else, He would show me the way. So, back to the little rebel. I felt that there was part of him which is screaming for attention. Truly, he was an angel as I got to know him, as innocent as any other little boys. Imagine the shock when the principal came into the class one day ready to scold him and make him do his work as usual, to see him sitting quietly in his place, writing furiously away, always the first to pass up his homework and classwork. I beam with pride for he was my special little boy. Another big rebel of 13 was assigned into my class at another centre. His mom was a rough spoken lady and had to pushed him to attend classes with harsh words even when the whole world was watching. And so, the boy also spoke like his mother, rough and very rebellious. With his earrings and empty bag, I remember cringing when he entered my class on his first day. Nevertheless, I gave him a kind but firm smile and asked him to take a seat. As expected, he picked the seat right at the back of the room where plenty of seats are available in front. He did not want to do his work, he never answer when I asked him questions. It was over all a frustrating session. I do not know what push me to talk to him in such a manner but I got him to come with me at the end of the lesson and I talk to him. Again, God put words in my mouth so I could say appropriate things to this little rebel. After that little talk we had, I expect him to be the same, teenager being teenager. But the next class we had together and the many subsequent ones brought surprises! He no longer sit at the back but slowly shift forward, session by session. He would finish his work first and the only one to answer with a loud and affirmative voice everytime I question the class! Praise the Lord! Truly, I believe this is the grace and blessings from our Father in Heaven.
I had had the opportunity to join the Disciple Class for the first half of the year during my holiday and it was indeed a great experiece. Much like a reminder of God to me to continue to thirst for His Words and that there are a lot more for me to learn. I manage to gain back my curiosity and my want-to-know-more attitude after a few classes. I regretted not paying attention in the beginning for I had no idea what was going on. But my pastor was right, it did wonders for my spiritual well-being after that. I did learn more about His Words and know that there are much more to be learn. For the new year, I hope I would finally fulfil my goal of reading the whole bible in a year.
Then, there was our Christmas Evangelistic Night held just 2 weeks back. It had been planned by the fellowship in university for a long time and we were glad that it was carried out as plan. The fellowship is very important to me as it is where I find peace and support week after week being away from home and family. It is indeed our family in university. I was in charge of the ushering committee along with Bro. Lawrence. Being a banana as I am, I was assigned lighter task, finding ushers for the event and also designing and making the bookmark. I was very lucky to work with Bro. Lawrence as he did most of the work (making pamphlets, forms, bulletins) without grumbles. Silly me did make a mistake when I wrote the chinese verse on the bookmarks wrongly and no one realise until everything was done. It was a stressful time for me as the event was just 2 days away then and there was not enough time to redo for the lack of materials! I was also having my exam then along with other members. In the end, everyone was kind enough to help as they printed out the verse, cut it nicely and paste it one by one on the 200 bookmarks the night before the event! God’s grace is always sufficient for all of us! I was also involved in the body worship lead by Sis Evelyn. There were many obstacles along the way as we all had exams during that period and some of the members were back in their hometown after their exam for 2 weeks! We managed to finish choreographing and practising in 5-6 sessions! During that time, many miracles happen in our life which contribute to the ability to finish learning the dance steps and stage the performance on that night. I also join the choir and shared my testimony after much doubts. I could hear God saying “Go” but I was not sure then and one day I just picked up my courage and picked up the phone to send a text to a sis in the planning committee. I was very stressed at first. It was not easy to do it in front of a crowd consisting of many non-believers and it was nothing I had done before. It took a lot of strength and courage to stand up there and to write a script(to make sure I don’t talk for too long). I was at my wits end I remembered while writing that script. I was fearful of how others would look at me, that they will judge me that I broke down many time during the process. Everytime, there would be supportive and caring brothers and sisters there for me. On the day of the first rehearsal, I was pushed so far by the time limit and the script I just broke and cried in exhaustion. I prayed and asked for guidance and managed to put together a concise script in less than an hour and words just flow out without me having to think much.
Writing it all out right now helps me to see the things that God has done in my life this whole year. I was upset when I discovered during all these years of hiding behind the hurts and pains, I had lost myself, lost my identity and to my horror, I have no idea who I am. I felt that I do not know who I really am. By the time I finished with my testimony, I finally realised and start to discover the me within, who I really am and learn to embrace and love that me. I try to become a more outgoing person (go into hyper mode at time but I guess that is just part of me), feeling more at ease with myself and being around people, something which I have trouble with and is truly trouble by that matter. So maybe to some I may seem like a nutcase, talking too much , mumbling nonsense and laughing at the littlest thing for too long, I am just embracing life, making peace with myself and living a life of the me I never knew I had within. I am tired of being drag by the dark past I had. I have an association with that past and I am going to use it properly, possibly to touch the life of others and not to pull myself down. 2010? Here I come and I am ready for another year of blessings and walk with my Lord! How about you?
(obviously there is much more to be shared but I can’t fit everything in here. God’s blessings are of abundance ay? Have a blessed New Year everyone!)
-Child of God-
Sunday, December 27
post deleted.. No point being down ay? Still chance ahead and great things to be done. Praise the Lord!
My friends around me had often say I'm good with words, but I think that it is all unnecessary.
Another year has pass and again, I reflect back upon the paths I had taken this whole year, some leading to happiness and others leading to falls and pain. But that is life, fall, and pick yourself up, fall and pick yourself up. Along the way, you do grow up and grow stronger.
....... COUNTING DOWN
The day I met you, I didn't thought much of you for I did not know you. Then we had the opportunity to get to know each other, unexpectedly and forming a friendship that was not very close but not that very far either. Distance cause us to lost contact and eventually I thought, why hope? Little did I know, over the years of knowing you, I began to draw nearer than I thought I could, crossing that little line I drew years ago to prevent myself from aching again.
I admired you, not of your looks, but of your personality, of how comfortable I had been around you, how I could be myself and not afraid of you judging me, and most importantly because you were deeply in love with God. You are special, and as I see you again, I try to shut off the thoughts but seeing you only make it worst. I thought I could just see you and there make myself think that it is impossible and start forgetting but I was wrong. I would had tell you how I felt but I had no guts, I was afraid, of rejection and of knowing the truth when I tell you, because deep down I know the answer. I just don't want to hear it and spoil what we have between us. You are just so high up, unreachable, smart, capable, spiritually strong and I am just another under-average girl, not very wise and break under pressure. I dare not hope but I had, very stupid of me.
Sitting there that fateful day, looking into your face and just talking about everything under the sun, laughing away, I had a great time, unexpected but pleasant. God indeed arrange everything that I could not plan, couldn't have been a more perfect afternoon, except I was aching inside. I know I would have to walk away from there, you your way and me, mine. I wish I had the courage to tell you and not have to whisper under my breath when you turn to go. I know one day, when you found the special girl, and got married, I would kick myself for never opening up to you and it would be a regret of a lifetime, but it would be a risk i would have to take because I can't bear to lost what little we have. But I will be happy for you because you found bliss..I wish you love, success and health..
Much Love from me!God Bless!
My friends around me had often say I'm good with words, but I think that it is all unnecessary.
Another year has pass and again, I reflect back upon the paths I had taken this whole year, some leading to happiness and others leading to falls and pain. But that is life, fall, and pick yourself up, fall and pick yourself up. Along the way, you do grow up and grow stronger.
....... COUNTING DOWN
The day I met you, I didn't thought much of you for I did not know you. Then we had the opportunity to get to know each other, unexpectedly and forming a friendship that was not very close but not that very far either. Distance cause us to lost contact and eventually I thought, why hope? Little did I know, over the years of knowing you, I began to draw nearer than I thought I could, crossing that little line I drew years ago to prevent myself from aching again.
I admired you, not of your looks, but of your personality, of how comfortable I had been around you, how I could be myself and not afraid of you judging me, and most importantly because you were deeply in love with God. You are special, and as I see you again, I try to shut off the thoughts but seeing you only make it worst. I thought I could just see you and there make myself think that it is impossible and start forgetting but I was wrong. I would had tell you how I felt but I had no guts, I was afraid, of rejection and of knowing the truth when I tell you, because deep down I know the answer. I just don't want to hear it and spoil what we have between us. You are just so high up, unreachable, smart, capable, spiritually strong and I am just another under-average girl, not very wise and break under pressure. I dare not hope but I had, very stupid of me.
HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLE!
Sitting there that fateful day, looking into your face and just talking about everything under the sun, laughing away, I had a great time, unexpected but pleasant. God indeed arrange everything that I could not plan, couldn't have been a more perfect afternoon, except I was aching inside. I know I would have to walk away from there, you your way and me, mine. I wish I had the courage to tell you and not have to whisper under my breath when you turn to go. I know one day, when you found the special girl, and got married, I would kick myself for never opening up to you and it would be a regret of a lifetime, but it would be a risk i would have to take because I can't bear to lost what little we have. But I will be happy for you because you found bliss..I wish you love, success and health..
Much Love from me!God Bless!
Sunday, December 20
刘德华 - 亲爱的妈妈
亲爱的 你好吗
不知不觉地三年没回家
宁静的生活 如常吗
请小心身体别太忙
亲爱的 听我话
冰箱里的菜太久别吃了
晚上外出时 多穿呀
想念我就给我电话
妈妈呀 你知道吗
现在的生活过得还算好
交的朋友很可靠
说的尽是真心话
请不用为我太牵挂
妈妈呀 你知道吗
离家的小孩心情很复杂
为了争气往上爬
累了又想躲回家
多希望永远长不大
重回昨日的怀抱
做回你的小娃娃
我最亲爱的妈妈
小时候的我，很渴望快点长大，
但是，自从上大学以后，
长大的我，好想回到从前，
每一次，听到这首歌的时候，
眼泪，就不停的流下，
因为，想念在家的妈妈，爸爸和妹妹。
在外面，自己一个人生活，
果然不简单，
为了要出人头地，努力的追求梦想，
好多时候，觉得好疲惫，好累，
好想放弃，好想回家。。
妈妈和爸爸，一天比一天老，
为了我和妹妹，牺牲了好多。
小时候，爸爸和妈妈，
到哪里，都把我抱着，
如今，我长大了，那些回忆，
也只会是回忆。。
他们的爱是何等的大，
想一想，我这个做女儿的，
带给他们许多的麻烦和伤痛，
不听话的我，常常惹妈妈生气，
让爸爸担心。
他们可以为我们付出一切，
我们能够为他们这么做吗？
还在念着书的我们，
之能够好好的念书，
照顾自己，不让他们担心，
他们把一切的希望，都放在我们的身上，
我们，又斟么能让他们失望呢？
日后，工作了，成家了，
要好好的孝顺老人家，
不要忘记，他们为我们付出的一切。
爸妈，你们所做的，女儿我，
会一辈子，急在心里。
我会好好的照顾你们，
让你们享福的。。。
我会好好做人。。。
大女儿，
-嘉妮-
Tuesday, December 15
If only I could write my posts in the form of music, I would write the most beautiful piece right now.... Quiz's a week away and God is guiding me every steps of the way with His little angels all around me, providing me with supports and shower me with all the love I need.
God's providence and His Grace is truly something so magnificent, it's difficult to fully understand unless you understand Love... When I thought I had come to a road block, He urged me to look further, and go just a little further just so I can see I haven't come to the end of the road. Even if I met a dead end, He makes sure everything is alright as He open up a new path for me in life, something even better. Many a time, I can't see straight to the end as I am only human and I do have my limitations and weakness. But when I receive that promised blessing, I feel so thankful for He really had not forsaken me.
Indeed, every day of my life, we are faced with so many challenges and problems but you know what can get us through? The knowledge of He will guide us through makes it better and allow us to pick up our strength and trudge forward.
I may not be the perfect girl with a clean slack of records. I have so many holes and stains in my life but still, every day, little by little, God sealed up those holes and take those stains out and polished me a little so I would shine for Him. It is a life-long process I understand and to get there, I will have to have my falls, cuts and bruises along the way, because that is simply life, because what hurts us, actually makes us stronger... It is all part of learning and growing up.
I am thankful, Lord for my family, for everything You have given to me, for all the time you were there for me when I thought I was all alone.. You fated that I would meet so many wonderful people in life, knowing they will all play a part in helping me grow, in helping me up when I am down and give me the strength to go through so much in my life.
You know what? I think I finally found myself and I think I really like that "me" that I've found..=)
God's providence and His Grace is truly something so magnificent, it's difficult to fully understand unless you understand Love... When I thought I had come to a road block, He urged me to look further, and go just a little further just so I can see I haven't come to the end of the road. Even if I met a dead end, He makes sure everything is alright as He open up a new path for me in life, something even better. Many a time, I can't see straight to the end as I am only human and I do have my limitations and weakness. But when I receive that promised blessing, I feel so thankful for He really had not forsaken me.
Indeed, every day of my life, we are faced with so many challenges and problems but you know what can get us through? The knowledge of He will guide us through makes it better and allow us to pick up our strength and trudge forward.
I may not be the perfect girl with a clean slack of records. I have so many holes and stains in my life but still, every day, little by little, God sealed up those holes and take those stains out and polished me a little so I would shine for Him. It is a life-long process I understand and to get there, I will have to have my falls, cuts and bruises along the way, because that is simply life, because what hurts us, actually makes us stronger... It is all part of learning and growing up.
I am thankful, Lord for my family, for everything You have given to me, for all the time you were there for me when I thought I was all alone.. You fated that I would meet so many wonderful people in life, knowing they will all play a part in helping me grow, in helping me up when I am down and give me the strength to go through so much in my life.
You know what? I think I finally found myself and I think I really like that "me" that I've found..=)
Saturday, November 14
Sometimes, it is a wonder how sitting down alone in a quiet room with the comforting sound of only the ceiling fan as companion, I realise a lot of things that I had subconsciously push to the back of my mind simply because they are unpleasant to deal with, or I was not ready to come face to face with my inner self.
Many a time, in the daily routine of hecticness, I forgot about who I am, what my purposes in life are and who I have to be. I had been living on excuses, giving myself excuses to push thing for tomorrow which never came and I end up having to torment myself with the loadful of work later on.
I had always mind how people look at me, being judged since young, I was only more conscious of how people would look at me, how poeple would think of me. Being so desperate to belong, I end up being isolated.Trying so hard to be someone I am not, someone who others want me to be, make me feel insecure, that by the end of the day I would be too tired and I would burst.
I forgot that I could be myself, I could be who God want me to be, to be a better person. I had taken things into my own hands lately and honestly, it is not all that great. Everything would end up in turmoil and disaster. I forgot how peaceful my heart can be for once and now sitting here typing away, I could feel that sense of submission once more, to say "Lord, please take my life in your hand and guide me, I will follow you all the days of my life. Guide me back to the path I had stray from."
I may not be an angel, nor the perfect dream girl of any righteous guy. I may not be the most fillial and obedient daughter around, I may not be that spendthrift child, I may not be the brightest student in the class, but little by little, it is these weakness, these flaws, these qualities that I do not have that help me shape myself bit by bit to become the girl God intended me to be, for me to find who am I deep within. I am willing to learn, willing to change for the better.
It's time to stop running away and start confronting these problems in life. I know it is time because I'm tired from running and my feet could not carry me further. I need to rest now, stop and fight. Only then I could start building my life on a stronger foundation to replace the one that had crumbled long ago. It may not be easy, but I will do my best. I believe God will provide for all my needs.
Goals ahead that need to be fulfil, road ahead that needs to be travel. I am ready now. It's time... For God has been so good to me...
-Lily-
Many a time, in the daily routine of hecticness, I forgot about who I am, what my purposes in life are and who I have to be. I had been living on excuses, giving myself excuses to push thing for tomorrow which never came and I end up having to torment myself with the loadful of work later on.
I had always mind how people look at me, being judged since young, I was only more conscious of how people would look at me, how poeple would think of me. Being so desperate to belong, I end up being isolated.Trying so hard to be someone I am not, someone who others want me to be, make me feel insecure, that by the end of the day I would be too tired and I would burst.
I forgot that I could be myself, I could be who God want me to be, to be a better person. I had taken things into my own hands lately and honestly, it is not all that great. Everything would end up in turmoil and disaster. I forgot how peaceful my heart can be for once and now sitting here typing away, I could feel that sense of submission once more, to say "Lord, please take my life in your hand and guide me, I will follow you all the days of my life. Guide me back to the path I had stray from."
I may not be an angel, nor the perfect dream girl of any righteous guy. I may not be the most fillial and obedient daughter around, I may not be that spendthrift child, I may not be the brightest student in the class, but little by little, it is these weakness, these flaws, these qualities that I do not have that help me shape myself bit by bit to become the girl God intended me to be, for me to find who am I deep within. I am willing to learn, willing to change for the better.
It's time to stop running away and start confronting these problems in life. I know it is time because I'm tired from running and my feet could not carry me further. I need to rest now, stop and fight. Only then I could start building my life on a stronger foundation to replace the one that had crumbled long ago. It may not be easy, but I will do my best. I believe God will provide for all my needs.
Goals ahead that need to be fulfil, road ahead that needs to be travel. I am ready now. It's time... For God has been so good to me...
-Lily-